“You can grieve and love at the same time. Both can be true.”

If you’ve ever looked at your loved one and thought, “They’re right here, but it feels like they’re already gone,”

You’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not “giving up”. You’re definitely not heartless.

When dementia enters your world, this confusing, painful feeling is common—and it often comes with guilt on top of everything else.

There’s a name for this experience. Naming it is often the first step toward a little steadiness in the middle of the unknown.

With that said, here’s what’s really happening—and gentle ways to cope today. 🌿

Dementia changes how your loved one shows up in the world—and in your life.

Their body is present, but parts of their memory, personality, or connection begin to fade.

You’re caught between two realities:

• They’re still here.

• But they don’t feel like the same person.

It’s like trying to hug someone through fog—you can see them, reach for them, but the version you’ve always known is harder to grasp. That gap is why it feels like loss, even before death.

Naming it—ambiguous loss

Ambiguous means unclear, not black-and-white. Loss is grief—a real, valid response to change.
Put together, ambiguous loss is grieving someone who’s physically here but slipping away in other ways.

It explains the waves of anger and sadness, the confusion, the guilt for grieving a person who’s still alive. You’re not imagining it; this is a recognized, legitimate kind of grief.

Why naming it helps

When you can say, “This is ambiguous loss,” you stop fighting yourself.

• It gives shape to the emotional roller coaster.

• It becomes easier to talk about: “I’m experiencing ambiguous loss,” instead of “I don’t know how to explain this.”

• It releases shame and self-blame: “I feel this way because this is hard, not because I’m weak.”

How it shows up in your mind and body

This grief isn’t only in your head—your body carries it, too. You might notice:

• Tight chest, heavy stomach, aching shoulders

• Restless thoughts, dread about the future, flashes of anger or guilt

• Numbness one day, big emotions the next

Try this acknowledgment:
Place a hand on your heart and say softly, “This is grief. This is ambiguous loss. My feelings make sense.”

Small steps you can try today

You don’t have to fix this. You can steady yourself in small ways:

• Say it out loud: “I’m grieving someone who is still here.”

• Name one feeling: Write down what feels heaviest today—naming softens its grip.

• Ground your body: One slow breath in for 4, out for 6 (repeat 3 times) or a 10-minute walk.

• Let one person in: Text a trusted friend or share inside a supportive community. You’re not meant to carry this alone.

A gentle reframe & acceptance

Acceptance isn’t approval. It’s telling the truth about what’s here and choosing a kind next step.

Try these reframes:

• “It makes sense that I feel this way—this is hard.”

• “I haven’t lost all of them. I can still connect with who they are today.”

• “I can grieve and love at the same time.”

Meaning, control, identity, connection, hope

As you move through ambiguous loss, these shifts can help:

• Find meaning: What does this change mean for me/us right now?

• Let go of control: Release what you can’t control; focus on today’s choices.

• Rebuild identity: You’re more than this role—make space for you.

• Changing connections: Connection may look different now—music together, a walk, quiet presence.

• Cultivating hope: Hope lives in small moments of peace, a shared smile, a familiar song.

You’re not alone in this kind of grief

If it feels like your loved one is slipping away while sitting right in front of you,

please hear this:

you’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong.

This is ambiguous loss.

It’s real.

You don’t have to carry it in silence anymore.

Other resources for support

• Free guide: My Top 3 Strategies to help manage the emotional roller coaster of a loved one’s dementia diagnosis and feel more confident navigating the path ahead → Click Here

• Community: Emotions & Dementia Facebook group → Click Here

• Services: Gentle, support to help you find steadiness → Click Here

“In-the-moment” steadiness checklist

• Pause. Hand on heart. Name it: ambiguous loss.

• 3 slow breaths (in 4, out 6).

• Write one sentence about what hurts.

• Choose one tiny connection today (song, smile, touch).

• Tell one safe person how you feel.

If this spoke to you, I created a free guide with My Top 3 Strategies to help manage the emotional roller coaster of a loved one’s dementia diagnosis and feel more confident navigating the path ahead

You don’t have to figure it all out at once—just start with one step. Click Here

P.S. I’d love to hear from you—have you felt this “here but gone” sense of loss? You’re not alone.